Last Friday, I sent to around 100 people a topic to reflect on: “The one who realizes the need for a change is the one who changes first” and then I promised them that I would soon propose a solution to the question of how to channel the energy behind our desire for a change so it motivates the other instead of pushing him or her away.
Since in this case I’m talking about our relationship with the surrounding world, it is important to emphasize the trust in ourselves, in the other, and whether the other trusts the process of change per se.
Let’s start with ourselves.
In order to feel trust in ourselves, in the decisions we make, it is good to ask ourselves what intentions lie behind our desire for a change.
What are our intentions triggered by?
Do we know, have we learned to distinguish when behind our desire stands “until the other one changes, I will not change either” and when “I want to understand how my relationship with this person changes me to understand what else I am capable of?“
Let’s continue with the other.
When we ask the other to assist us (to change, to grow with us), it is good to know whether this person has realized any need for this change and, secondly, whether he trusts us that what we want to change is for our common good.
Here is a personal example.
About 13 years ago, I allowed myself the luxury of imposing my own views on what “things should have been,” while not realizing that I myself was no different from what I expected from the other/others. In particular, the intentions behind my wishes relied on·the condition “until the other/others change, and I will not change.”
After a few years of unsuccessful attempts, I realized that firstly, I have no right to demand behavior, attitude, changes that I myself did not require of myself, and secondly, who would trust a person who claims to want a change, but at the same time does not want to change even a bit?
I also realized that I had seen this when I was growing up, in my childhood. The patterns of behavior at home, in society, were similar to what I had unwittingly acquired as behavior and thinking right up till I turned 25.
What happened next?
I began to understand that this behavior was unhealthy, both for me and for those around me. I realized that my motives were a product of the requirements I had from myself.
I made the conscious decision to improve my relationship with myself, to change my thinking, and the way I perceived life in general. I began to take care of my daily thoughts, feelings, and habits.
And as strange as it sounds, it also affected me on the outside, that is, my family and friends could see the results of the decision I had made back then: to change myself to someone healthier and better.
It was not a surprise that the confidence in myself also affected my relationships with others.
Have you noticed such changes?
One of my practices as a coach and mentor is to encourage the people I work with to focus on themselves first and take responsibility for their decisions as well as the consequences of these decisions.
More than once, I’ve worked with people whose was “it’s not my fault”, “my life screwed me over again,”,”if that happens, then… ” “it’s not up to me…”and so on..
And every time I would stop working with them for the simple reason that when someone comes into the role of a victim of circumstances, they can’t understand that their own decisions have led them to where they currently were. In situations like this, it’s good to take stock of what choices we have made and what decisions we can take today.
At the heart of such a situation lies unhealthily channeled energy within the person. Desires for a change are being transferred to the other. The conditions become more and with them the manipulation is even more strongly advocated.
My advice, though unwanted, is to choose something healthy for yourself by changing your beliefs. Others – they will show you whether they trust you, how much they actually trust you, whether you can trust yourself (especially when your judgment of the world and the people around you changes constantly) and so on.
A healthy way to address your desires sometimes depends on:
- how healthy your intentions are;
- how confident you feel;
- how ready you think you are;
- if you have the guts to risk it all;
- how much you are willing to give to the other;
- how willing you are to tolerate and accept;
One of the most important questions you could ask yourself is whether it is worth it.
It’s important to remember that any conscious or unconscious decision will require a change from you too.
And how do you channel your desires to motivate the other instead of pushing him away?
Although there is no guarantee for success in such an endeavor, show how the change you desire affects you. And the other? He will decide for himself based on what his beliefs are, how “comfortable” he feels, and how much he believes that this change is a better solution for your relationship.